Stretch Mark Baby Magic
What To Expect Before You'Re Expecting
What to Expect Before You're Expecting
Dear Reader,
I have a 1 ½ year old child whom I absolutely adore, cherish, and love. I am very lucky to have a happy and healthy child that I can care and provide for. I am not a medical expert or a parenting expert, however, I feel compelled to share some of my experiences of pregnancy, child bearing, and child raising because after talking to so many mothers of different parenting styles and different home and financial situations I noticed that many of our experiences are very similar.
I have also noticed that many recent television shows glorify pregnancy and parenthood without depicting a fuller image of the life changes that comes with becoming a parent. After reading this I hope that at least one reader will decide to start a family with a more realistic mind of what to expect before they're expecting.
Pregnancy
Yes, when you are pregnant people will be ecstatic with congratulations, say that you have that beautiful glow, and it is incredibly magical to feel your baby grow and move within your body. That is true and that is what people will tell you at first. Then the next thing they will ask is, "How do you feel?" Now, for most of those that have been pregnant know why people ask this. The majority of pregnant women get nauseated, headaches, unbearable fatigue, cramps, sciatic nerves, swollen feet, swollen legs, and other body parts swell, periods of not being able to eat, periods of overeating, feeling overweight, diarrhea, constipation, stretch marks, high blood pressure, hemorrhoids, uncomfortable sleeping, and the list can go on and on. Most women have several of these symptoms. Yes, all mothers got through their pregnancies, but I just want the reader to be aware that it isn't a complete pleasure cruise.
If you smoke, you can't anymore unless you are willing to be bombarded by very harsh criticisms and you want to subject your child to the harms of inhaling smoke. If you drink, you can't anymore and even in the debate of allowing one glass of wine per day, there will always be at least one person in the crowd with a dropped jaw and a disapproving eye. Caffeine? No more coffee, tea, or soda for you except from the permission of your doctor to have one cup or can a day, but be sure there are those co-workers, friends, and family that are counting those cups to make sure you don't overstep your limit.
Labor
I was very, very fortunate to have had a fairly uncomplicated birthing experience in comparison to many others. On the contrary, I have heard stories where the epidurals didn't work or didn't work properly. Pains of contractions were still felt, numbness occurred only on one side of the body, and the epidural caused other complications after the birth. The epidural may be so numbing that the sensation and ability to push is not there which can result in a cesarean section.
Hearing similar stories, some women opted to go natural without any painkilling medicines. Some were in so much pain for as long as they could stand it before they wound up giving in to modern medicine and getting the epidurals anyway. According to some husbands with wives in this situation, they said, "After the epidural, my wife never looked so happy."
The episiotomy is awful for most. Although I didn't feel the incision I surely felt every excruciating pain of the stitching and the unbearable, if not for painkillers, of the recovery. Many women that chose to breastfeed did not have potent enough painkillers to alleviate much, if any, of the pain. With the location of that pain you have extreme difficulty sitting unless you're on a painkiller and are sitting on top of a bunch of pillows.
Having a cesarean section means practically no pain for the delivery, but much more pain for a much longer recovery.
Your Body After Giving Birth
After giving birth, your body will never be the same. Your breasts will sag and your tummy will be flabby. Of course there are those celebrities that have dieticians, personal trainers, and all the leisure time to get themselves back into their model-like shape, but the average, typical woman does not have those perks. The few that do get into their tiny sizes have great genes, they obsess over going to the gym, or they starve themselves back into shape or any combination of those characteristics. Although some of us do get back into our original weight our body's shape is not the same. You can bulge in one area you didn't ever use to bulge in before and may not even be able to hide it. Eventually, most will accept their new body as it is.
Complications
Everyone hopes that this scenario will never apply to any child least of all their own, but the fact remains that even though an expecting parent can do everything right they may have a child that is born with a physical or mental disability. Depending on the severity of each person's case it can be something quickly overcome or something that will be a constant struggle throughout the child's and parents' entire lives.
I know several admirable families in this situation and they have happy, confident, successful children despite their diversities, however, there are those with the best intentions that couldn't cope as well and were so overwhelmed in caring for a child with extreme special needs that it is heartbreaking for the family and especially the child.
No one can really know how well they will handle such strenuous circumstances until the time comes, but how you see yourself handling that situation and how you perceive others that you expect to support you is something to think about.
Postpartum Depression
From the few that I have confided in and have confided in me, postpartum depression is not just a sad mood and a few tears, it is a hysterical depression that stays for a while. Spouses without the combination of hormonal changes, life changes, and sleep deprivation will most likely not understand it and won't know how to help you through it. You both just have to wait it out while awful thoughts and emotions circulate in your head. Many don't feel comfortable enough to tell others about their feelings and it is important to seek professional help if you think you would harm yourself or your child.
Child Care
I have one word for daycare and it is expensive. If you planned well and allocated a good amount for it, you may not feel the financial pinch. If you make a very decent salary and can afford it without a problem, good for you. If you're like many of the people I've spoken to, to afford child care meant not moving out of a one bedroom apartment, not being able to buy a house, not moving out of your parents' house, having to move back into your parents' house, or having to move somewhere more affordable. Moving without a child can be stressful, moving with a child is even more so. On top of being expensive, any parent would want their child to have a good quality daycare and may switch their child from different daycares until they finally find one that they feel is satisfactory.
Nannies are just as expensive, if not more expensive, than daycares. Some may argue that they would not want a total stranger living in their house and caring for their infant. We've all seen the clips of hidden nanny cams on the news. There is always that little voice that will keep bugging you that despite all the good references, this person may not be what he/she seems. Many mothers I spoke to about their nannies also said that they had to "shop around" for one that met their satisfaction. With a nanny you will probably get more sleep since someone else will get your crying baby during the night, but then there is the likely possibility your baby may be more attached with your nanny than with you.
If you were lucky enough to have a family member care for your child that would definitely save you lots of money. However, even to the most enthusiastic of grandparents over their new grandchild, it is a responsibility that you are laying on them. If they are retired they no longer have the freedom to go about as they would have if they didn't have your child to watch. Be extremely appreciative to those that are willing to do you that enormous favor.
Being a stay-at-home mom is not as glamorous as it may seem. Some will absolutely love it and embrace spending every moment with their newborn, but it is a lot of work to be at the beck and call of a crying baby. Some babies will be colicky and will continue to cry despite your efforts to appease him/her. It can be hard to ask your partner for an allowance when you used to contribute your own money to the household. Sometimes giving up a career you went to college for or worked so hard to achieve is not given up without some kind of resentment.
Working Moms
"Working moms are always tired," I've been told. I fall into this category and, yes, I am always tired. Infants wake in the middle of the night and require attention whether you have to wake up early in the morning or not. When you come home, you still have the household chores to do on top of caring for your baby. Weekends don't have the same connotation they used to prior to having a baby. It has been agreed by many that, "Going to work is like a vacation because at least you get a break, a lunch to eat in peace, and (for the most part) a quiet environment."
Sleep?
The common advice is, "Sleep when your baby sleeps." That is easier said than done when there are bottles to be cleaned, soiled clothes to be washed, and other things that need to be done around the house. All these things are usually very hard to do when your child is awake. Some children have difficulty sleeping through the night even though they're old enough to be in grade school which means you'll be up just as much.
Marital Strains
With a baby, everything changes. Your sex life changes or becomes non existent. Your life aspirations change. Your priorities change. Your expectations change. How could this not affect even the strongest of marital bonds? When both of you are deprived of sleep, overworked with little or no time to rest or play, the tension is up and it can be disastrous. If you love each other, find patience, resiliency, and can find time for yourselves and each other you can survive the storm. It can get a little easier when your child becomes more independent.
Single Parents
When people get married they don't expect to get divorced, but it does happen. If you are married and are planning to have a baby, please just think that it is possible for the strains on your marriage (or partnership if you're unmarried) to become irreconcilable. And, usually the mothers are the ones that have sole custody of their child. Needless to say, having sole responsibility of a child or children is a huge responsibility. The ex-spouse may still be very involved in your child's life, but it will still be a difficult adjustment. Some may find a new partner, but some do not. Just consider the possibility that you could be in that situation.
Support
I feel that no matter what your parenting situation is, having support is absolutely vital to having a happy family whether the support comes from within the immediate family, outside the immediate family, from friends, or even from colleagues or acquaintances. Sometimes you need someone to watch your child for a couple of hours to catch up on sleep. Or, you need someone to help with the housework. You may need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or sound advice. At times, you may need a night out with adults, or to go on a date with your partner, or simply stay at home and bask in silence. Some friends or family members that you expect to be supportive may disappoint you. Some people that don't have kids of their own may not understand what you're going through. Some people that have their own children may be too busy with their own families that they may not be able to support you even if they want to. And, others may come through when you least expect them to.
Toddlers
Being a parent makes you wide open for tons of unsolicited criticisms. Every parent has experienced their toddler throwing a tantrum in the middle of a crowded public place. It can be mortifying and there's no escaping it. Everyone witnessing the dramatic display will give you those looks that say, "You're a bad parent" even if you are handling the situation well. Unfortunately, there isn't a manual for parenting.
Toddlers are messy. They eat messily, they leave their toys everywhere, and if there is an organization of anything anywhere within their reach they will find a way to fling it into a complete chaos. You need to be extremely patient.
College Fund
According to the CUNY Mutual Group the total projected cost for 4 years at an in-state public university (including tuition and fees, room and board, books and supplies, personal expenses, and transportation) by the time my child will go to college will be $204,215. The total projected cost for 4 years at a private college will be $416,699. Needless to say that's staggering for a middle-class income to say the least. My child will definitely not be eligible for financial aid. Even with my child being so young, that figure is still a whopping load to save up for. Some will say that our salaries will increase with time, but with the still declining economy the amount it will increase looks grim.
You can invest in your state's 529 Plan, but nothing is a guarantee. So many parents lost a bulk of their children's tuition due to the current stock market when their children went off to college this year.
Some may argue that you don't have to pay for your child's tuition. They can get student loans. Although that is true, think of your child starting their adulthood with that much debt. Cars and homes would be difficult to purchase because they'd have to pay their car loan, home mortgage, daily expenses, and credit card bills on top of their monthly tuition bill. Even saving for the down payment of a car or home would be difficult.
If your child is lucky he/she will land a job with a high starting salary and will not have to worry too much about these costs. However, most need to work their way up and may still not achieve such a high paying salary.
The only thing that parents in similar situations like mine can do is to try their best to save as much as they can to lessen the tuition burden when their child goes to college if they can't pay for it in its entirety.
I cannot stress the importance of safe sex enough. If you are not absolutely certain you are ready for parenthood with the right partner then you should not be having unprotected sex. Too many times we've heard of someone who "accidentally" got pregnant and flippantly decided to have the baby. Sometimes it all works out just fine, but other times, unfortunately, it doesn't. Drastically changing the lives of at least three people, the father, the mother, and the to-be-born child, and possibly other helpful family members or friends that are willing to get involved, should not be decided on a whim. There are too many all too real unhappy endings that occur. Even the people that are living and making the best out of very tough situations probably didn't think it would have turned out as it did.
The joys of parenting are more well known and there are tremendous rewards of watching your child learn and grow on a daily basis. I am not denying that these wondrous moments aren't worth all the subsequent responsibilities, but if one is not prepared or expecting those responsibilities, it would make parenthood much more difficult to enjoy and one may even miss the joys in those fleeting moments.
I know that I only barely skimmed the surface of some of the responsibilities that come with being pregnant and parenting a child. How can I sum up the complexities of pregnancy and parenting in only a few pages? I do hope that reading this has made at least one person think about their preparedness in bringing a child into this world. And, I am still pretty new to parenting that there are so many things that lay ahead of me that I haven't even experienced yet. As hard as I predicted it would be to raise a child, in reality it is much, much harder when you're utterly exhausted, fighting depression, taking care of your baby, your household, your job, and finding some time to do something for yourself and your partner to keep yourselves in good spirits. Of course everyone's experiences are unique. Most of these things no one will mention to an expecting parent for fear of making them not want children, but will share their similar stories after a child is born. I, and many others, would have preferred to know some of these likely truths beforehand to make ourselves more prepared. But then again, I don't believe anything can fully prepare you for the real thing.
Sincerely,
Kristy Chan
About the Author
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